June 10: this time last year

This time last year I was a week away from meeting our little seed with no sex and no name. I was so done by then, every day felt long and useless. I remember vividly thinking: well if I’m going to be here and bored, I might as well take photos.

In the first few days after birth, so overwhelmed by the hormones and the emotions and the emptiness in my belly I kept thinking of that Ely in the photos. How could you have wished that phase away? It was so easy to take care of yourself and the little one when she’d been on the inside. It was so easy and now it’s so damn hard.

But the truth is, I was ready. So ready. I had read some books — out of curiosity rather than “shoulds” — and I had asked questions. I understood, on a theoretical level, how breastfeeding worked (nipple to nose!) and that the nights would be hard. I was incredibly curious about birth, had practiced softening and resting with my friend and yoga teacher Biddy, had understood lots of details and more about how it could go over long and cozy home visits from our doula Hanna.

Now, almost a year later, with my new mother title and experience to show for it, I wonder: could I have done more? But I know deep down that all my struggles did not have to do with my preparation, or lack thereof. On the one hand, there is the stuff that you only learn by doing, and on the other, the stuff that is systemic. It is the lack of visibility and the missing elements in our collective understanding of what motherhood looks like, and how excruciatingly difficult it can be for some of us, that made it hell for me at times. I could not have prepared for that.

So I try to talk to Ely from those photos and tell her: you will do amazing. It will be so hard at times but you are ready. You have been ready for so long. Trust yourself, and shout, and cry, and try to ask for help. It will be worth it.

✨ If you could talk to your past self, the one from just before you went through a big life transformation like birth, what would you tell them? I’m always curious to hear your thoughts 🧡

During the last few months of pregnancy, you sleep really uncomfortably and wake up often to pee. They were tiny pockets of softness for me, with my little seed kicking away in my belly and Pygmy purring and keeping me company.

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